Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
there is glitter all over my balls
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