I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Bring me that man meat
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
