I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
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