i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
