Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Maybe he injected his testicle?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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