Michael Bay diarrhea
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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