I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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