are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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