Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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