Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
