Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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