so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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