The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
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I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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