My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
