I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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