someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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