You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
