Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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