Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
