I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize