did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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