If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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