Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
