I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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