I'm going to jail i love you
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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