I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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