Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I looked at my own cervix.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
They are going to name an STD after you.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
