I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Randomize
