We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
