3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
