Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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