I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
