I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
