I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
