I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
