if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Life without a bra equals bliss.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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