is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
