you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
