he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
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