I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
