we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
