There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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