my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
