found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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