dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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