I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
