Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
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its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
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Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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