sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
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Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
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I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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