"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
