I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
