Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
