I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
