im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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