There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
