I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
