those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
