remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
