Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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