she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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